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May 7, 2001
Living An Eternity
Here's a long one :)
Is it just me or does it seem like there's a lot happening since we got back from Mexico? I, for one, have been feeling like there's so much more than what I'm doing now. I mean in the sense that the scope and magnitude of the things I do just isn't enough. I'm a web developer, programming huge databases and web sites for companies, that in the end may effect the outcome of the company itself, yet I don't feel a sense of completion or satisfaction. It's not like I don't like what I do, because I love it, but where is it going? For me, this line of work is great - income is good and can grow a lot by industry standards, job position has room for growth, lots of benefits, it's fun, and more. But it's all for me. I help companies get bigger, people make more money. But where does it go?
Coming back from Mexico opened my eyes to what is really needed in the world. There and here. And how much we just don't see that because we're so caught up in our daily rituals. All of us noticed once we got back how fast the following week went. Yet when we think of the week in Mexico, it seemed like months. Every day down there we had work that had an everlasting significance and effect. We worked with people and children, befriended them and showed them the truth about God and His love, the trials we all face, and blessings we've been given. We came back having learned from them how easy it is to believe and understand, and live life showing that. Suddenly we're back in our own real world, and our daily routines. Nothing significant except taking care of our self-given needs - bills, school, timelines... suddenly everything flies by.
What about our God-given needs? Our God-given responsibilities? Life is so much more full when we satisfy those. We fill our own time with things to do, because we have so much time, then use the excuse that we don't have time to spend helping others, helping ourselves, learning more about God. We make our own excuses to live miserable lives - deep inside at least, even though it may not look it to everyone else. Oh how I long to do something more!
I was asked last week to lead worship for my youth group, because the official leader was at his brother's wedding and the previous leader had a school commitment. At first I was apprehensive, and tried to avoid it. If you know me, I'm quiet and generally not a public speaker. But when I have something to talk about, I can really get into it. So I prayed about it, thought about it, and decided to take it up, and take it seriously. I already had a plan by the Tuesday, ready for Saturday. I looked for comments from fellow worship leaders on a mailing list I'm on, got some tips and ideas. After playing it over many times and liking it, I felt I was ready. Then I started feeling like I was taking it too seriously and relying on the planning too much - even thinking of what I'd say during, and for the closing prayer. And I remembered what had been said earlier to me - just have fun. I prayed more, that it would go as planned, that it would go well, and if something didn't go right, that it wouldn't bother me. And of course that I could handle leading.
It didn't help that none of the other people who regularly help with worship wouldn't be there, so I'd be alone. And sure enough, more people turned out than I expected, still no usual helpers (though I didn't ask if anyone else would like to help), and I was a little late getting some things prepared. I wasn't able to do one song because I was missing an overhead, so I didn't feel like there was a good spot for me to say anything in the lineup. We were all cramped in a small area, and I still had my cold. Needless to say, it wasn't how I had expected. But at the same time, it was like I wasn't leading. I was leading, but it was like I wasn't controlling my voice, like I was watching through someone else's eyes. As I led I looked around and saw a few others with their eyes closed singing, worshipping in their own way. And I just said to myself, if one person can praise God through this time, then I've accomplished my goal. It doesn't matter how good the music is, or what I say, or what they hear. It's not my time, it's God's. I prayed in closing, and for the first time, I felt satisfied.
I wasn't nervous, I wasn't shaking; I was sweating, but hey, it was small and cramped and everyone had just been playing hockey... but I felt like I was helped through the entire time. I'm one who loves to play guitar, and worship in my own time is something I do quite often, I just don't do it in public much aside from helping in other worship times. I don't lead. When I think more about that time, I feel comfortable. I feel like I could do it again, and again... if I were asked to lead worship, I'd do it again; hopefully with some help, but it's not so much a step with fear, but of expectancy, from God, for His guidance.
I spent more time thinking about that 1/2 hour of worship that week, than I did of most other things. Like I had a chunk of time from the mission trip, a 1/2 hour chunk, and it spanned the entire week. It's like when we live our lives for God right now, we're already living out an eternity...
I'm praying that God will open doors for me, because I feel trapped, boxed in. I'm stuck in a daily routine, and it has no eternal significance. What His plans for me in the future are, I don't know, but I don't want to be in this same place for much longer.
One more thing, the last Praise Celebration was last night, and it was so different this time. After coming back from Mexico, it had a whole new meaning. I could actually close my eyes and focus, and feel like it was just me and God. It was an amazing time... a few months from now, and it'll be back - but this time it'll be different...


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