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April 9, 2001
The Easy Way Out
copied from written journal

Wow, 2 colours! ... Well today was rather interesting. Apart from the whole Mexico thing, a can of worms was just opened. Lisa and I talked about our 'situation'. It seems we've both been feeling the same things and thinking the same courses of action. But we're both still struggling to deal with it. Lisa does like me, and I really care about her. It's like that old knot in your throat deal, the butterflu in your stomach. I don't know if it's genuine or infatuation. For once I can't answer a question of mine without doubting the validity of my response. My resolve is tainted by my involvement.
I can say I very impressed with how she thought things though and put me before herself with my commitment. It just made her that much more attractive to me. I'm almost at tears it's that amazing. I made a commitment to focus on God first and foremost for a year, until Christmas And one of the clauses I covered just happened. Is it a test? Am I over analyzing? If I wait, it will be that much better. She's 5 1/2 years younger than me. Is that bad? She's 18 next June, I'll 23. She wants to go to college. We're going to Mexico. Am I being selfish with my commitment and word? How much should I consider her in the equation? She wasn't ready, she told me. She was jealous because I went to Jon's instead of spending time with her. She noticed that and realized it wasn't right. Is that a red flag for her, not being ready? Or, in a relationship sense, would that be normal because I'd be neglecting her?
Man, Lisa said she was confused. I don't even know if I'm confused. I'm hoping these words will reveal something to me, some answer or hope. I'm hoping to talk to Mike sometime, and/or Chris. I don't want this to be a secret issue. Like in Boy Meets Girl, this is a community issue, and to handle it in a Godly way we need to be very careful.
Have I already made the right decision? Or am I not solving anything by waiting? Can she handle waiting? Where Sara fit in with all this? She still makes me feel like I'm at home with her. Is that lust? A remnant of the first kiss? What do I do? God help me!
Relationships can work, even though she's younger, it can still last. How do I handle the youth? What about Markus? Would it be a stumbling block? Does he still have feelings for her? He's a worship leader now, it could really hurt. Am I being too self-righteous? Am I just another Markus to her? Or another Charles? Will Nic be to her like Sara is to me? Always be some connection unique to them. What does she see in me? Why does she like me? I'm afraid she'd answer it like I would - I just do, I can't explain it. Do we then fight for reasons to like each other, because we're so unsure of that feeling in the other person? Live in doubt, I want to avoid that. Full trust, honesty.
How will she react when I tell her about my addiction? Should I? Oh God! I still hope God takes us while on the Mexico trip. We'd go together, there would be no worries, no troubles, it would be the easy way out. We'll see what God has in store.
Trust in God, and no other.
That's my commitment. When it's fulfilled, by the terms defined, whatever follows will be sweet nectar to my soul, and joy overflowing to those around, I pray.
This is a long one. There's just so much on my mind. Even what I'm going to do when I get back. For work, youth, and ministry. I feel a big change coming on, and I'm praying God will reveal himself. That would be life changing, life affirming...
the easy way out...

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